Who Am I?
Esotericism aside, it’s a relatively simple question you might ask yourself on any given day. A simple question with a loaded answer. I’ve struggled to understand what defines me as an individual, just like anyone else. We tend to answer the question of who we are with a what. Have you ever noticed that?
I am a runner. I am a reader. I am an artist.
Okay. Those are the actions or activities that one does, but can we really be defined by those? Generally, yes. Nouns are a way to understand those aspects of our lives that are important to us. But why are they important? Furthermore, what aspects are of the most value to yourself, versus others?
I separate the two because letting the outside world dictate what’s at the core of my identity has, in the past, led me down a path of doing what pleases others, sometimes at the cost of myself. Perhaps it’s my Catholic background or something inherent in my personality, but I’m a people pleaser, a nurturer of others, and I’m a recovering “Yes”-aholic. I have a very difficult time saying ‘No’ to a request that I know I can do.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Finding Your Flow State
Take a gut check as you go about your day. What settles comfortably in your middle as you do it? What in your life drops you into a flow state where time is a distant thought and only that one thing occupies your entire being?
Recognizing Flow
You’ll recognize being in a flow state by time distortion and complete immersion, but there are a few other widely known traits:
- Intense Focus – For an individual who’s behaviorally ADD/ADHD (I’ve never been clinically diagnosed), being able to focus with intent on a singular thing is impressive and invigorating. It’s a unique experience that stands out starkly from the usual shallow interactions.
- Loss of Self-Consciousness – This one’s a real treat. You stop caring whether what you are doing is correct, perfect, or accurate, and instead feel empowered by it. You’re unstoppable, to quote Sia.
- Seamless Actions – Whatever it is you’re doing, it (for lack of a better word) flows out of you. Your actions are without conscious thought and automatic. I don’t have to watch where my brush goes; it just does the thing.
- Autotelic Experience – Okay, I had to include this descriptor because “autotelic” is a new word for me, and it has such a lovely mouthfeel. Basically, it means that what you’re doing is for your sake, not for anyone else’s. It’s an intrinsic, or inherent, reward. A gift from you to you.
I’ve discovered over the years that several activities put me in a flow state. Most apparent to me: writing, painting, and reading. I can do any of these things for hours at a time, with no concept of the world around me. Ask my husband. He’s had the joy of living with the errant whims of my creative muses for a couple of decades now, and my parents before that.
The last bullet is what I want to focus on, particularly the ‘intrinsic’ piece. Authenticity in creativity has internal origins. It may be a gift you can share with the world that brings others similar joy, but first and foremost, it’s about what feels right inside you.
Why Authenticity Matters
As uncomfortable as understanding this creative nature of mine has been, it’s also been inwardly rewarding tenfold. It’s taken me thirty-plus years to come full circle and understand that my creative voice is essential and valuable. Something I should cherish and be unafraid of. You have to allow yourself to realize that if something feels right on the inside, you should embrace it.
I can’t tell you whether my drawing during childhood led me to storytelling. It’s entirely possible that my solidly introverted self discovered comfort and joy from the make-believe worlds of my mind. Drawing a character or a scene, capturing a mental image on paper, and making it real seems like a logical step.
Regardless of origin stories, when other children stepped away from the creativity inherent in us all, I leaned in. Hard. It was uncomfortable and awkward at times. How do you explain to your highly judgmental pre-pubescent and adolescent peers that you have vivid dreams and entire worlds running on a constant track within your mind without being called out as a weirdo? As different? Childhood is rough enough as it is without being any more of an oddball.
But that was the true me. One who I hid as well as I could from the world at large, only allowing it to peek out on my drawing pads or in art class. The world around you may never align exactly with the path that you find yourself on, and that’s okay.
The Sweet Spot of Authentic Creation
Think of your life as a Venn diagram with two circles:
- What I Value
- What Value I Share
The overlapping space between those two is the sweet spot—your authentic self. The creative identity and voice that you can share. It should satisfy your inner self, as well as bring satisfaction to others. I know there will be disagreement on the latter half, but I contend that what good are the creations we have if others do not get to experience their value as well? Pay creativity forward. Inspire the next creative person to be confident and find their voice.
“Art is not what you see, but what you make others see.” — Edgar Degas
So, Who Am I?
An artist who writes?
A writer who arts?
Frankly, I don’t know. Perhaps there’s not an easy answer, or an answer at all. I think that’s part of the beauty of creativity. I get to try on different hats and discover which one fits ‘right’ at any given time. And if it no longer works for me, well, there’s always another path. Another method of expressing those creative urges that I’ve yet to try.
I’m looking forward to it.
Listening to on Spotify: Fuel to Fire by Agnes Obel
Chain Reading: System Collapse by Martha Wells, Institutionalization of UX by Eric Schaffer and Apala Lahiri, Writing Short Stories by Courttia Newland and Tania Hershman
Writing Nook: Children of Eden (first draft), Edge of Chaos (world-building)